not for me, for you
by shivva
Summary: She'd never ended a relationship before… well, she wondered if her boyfriend of two days back in fourth grade counted. Did Kakashi count? He wasn't her boyfriend – he didn't take her for dates at the movies, or to meet his parents. They fucked – pure and simple. Usually in his bed, but sometimes in his kitchen or living room. Once in his car, but that was weird and- "Sakura?"


"You really need to stop doing that," he mumbled into her hair, half asleep. Sakura laughed gently, but didn't stop the slow caress of her thumb against his throat. "I'm serious. I may be tired right now, but just you wait." Sakura felt his fingertips dig gently into her ribs; she elbowed his hand before he could make her laugh. A hand relaxed on her waist once more, and she felt warm lips graze across her forehead. The night air was cool, billowing in from the open window, and encouraged pimples to form on her bare skin. But beneath her she felt a warm body, and she sighed in contentment.

"Was that a threat?"

His voice was a low rumble when he replied. "It was a promise." Sakura only laughed in response. "Staying the night?"

She felt her stomach twist; didn't want to initiate the conversation that she knew she had to have with him. Sakura had never ended a relationship before… well, she wondered if her boyfriend of two days back in fourth grade counted? He stole her colouring pencils and lied about it, so that one was justified. Did Kakashi count? He wasn't her boyfriend – he didn't take her for dates at the movies, or to dinner, or to meet his parents. They fucked – pure and simple. Usually in his bed, but sometimes in his kitchen or living room. Once in his car, but that was weird and-

"Sak?" he interrupted her train of thought, and Sakura thought it was best to forget about the car-sex anyway. She had an ache in her lower back that whole weekend. She had passed the pain off as an ache from standing too long in the operating theatre. Ryuso had no reason to doubt her.

Every time Sakura found herself in Kakashi's apartment, the world outside disappeared. She wasn't Sakura; friend and mentor. She wasn't a surgeon, or a wife. And she wasn't being unfaithful to her husband. She wasn't sure if she used him as a form of escapism from her hectic life, or if she genuinely had feelings for him. It terrified her, and it was unfair to him more than anything else. _No, it was definitely better this way, she decided._

"I can't," she answered finally against his chest, still tracing his pulse point. _Well I could stay, but when you hear what I have to say, you won't want me too._ Kakashi didn't reply, but his thumb started to stroke small circles on her hip. His digits were warm against her soft flesh. Familiar, comforting - he always made it so difficult for her to leave. Sakura knew she would end up staying if she didn't leave soon, and so she detangled herself from him, and kissed his jaw. Beneath her he made a small noise of mock annoyance and she could only smile. She had to admit he was very cute when he wanted to be.

Sakura grabbed her bag from the floor, the leather cold on her fingertips, and threaded through the soft carpet to the adjoining bathroom.

His bathroom was beautiful, really; porcelain sink with beautiful taps. Anko designed it; Sakura could tell. She knew if she asked Kakashi what tile was on the walls, he would reply with ' _green ones_ '. She flipped the cold water on, searching her bag for her toothbrush. The rush of water cooled the temperature of the room even further.

In the mirror she saw him approach. He'd managed to find his underwear somewhere in the pile of their entangled clothing, but nothing else. Sakura sighed onto her toothbrush, trying to ignore the sight of the half-naked man behind her. Why was he making this… _so… hard?_ She kept her eyes on her own reflection, even as he moved to stand right beside her at the vanity.

"You don't normally rush out of here so soon?"

She watched him through the mirror, but his eyes never left her. "I have… _things_... to do," she lied, spitting out a mouthful of foam.

"Are you cheating on me?" His face was full of mirth, and he wore that stupid grin, but the comment only served to annoy her. Green eyes that matched the bathroom tiles narrowed when she finally returned his gaze, throwing her toothbrush back into her tote bag.

"Hilarious."

"I'm joking," he mumbled, kissing her naked shoulder, hands sliding onto her hips. They were warm, and soft, and Sakura's lids closed heavily against her will. Wet lips moved ever so slowly, softly from her shoulder onto her neck, before moving to her earlobe. She hummed in satisfaction when he stopped, breath fanning the sensitive skin behind her ear. One palm had somehow found its way to her stomach, locking her into his embrace, and it was only then that Sakura realised that she was falling back into the trap again. Becoming too used to his attention, becoming too fond of it - that was dangerous.

"I have to go, Kakashi." His thumb stroked her stomach, and when she opened her eyes she found him staring back at her from the mirror. His head dipped and kissed the soft skin of her neck once more, so gentle it sent shivers down her spine, making her ache. But his eyes never left hers.

"Then go."

Kakashi continued to focus his attention on her neck. In that moment she hated him, hated how he made her feel, made her come undone with nothing more than his gaze and two words. He knew she wouldn't go, not now. Not now when she felt her stomach flutter with the attention he was lavishing on her. But most of all, she hated herself. She could've ended this months ago, before it even began, and saved everyone the heartache. She could've ended it earlier tonight, before they had fucked like wild animals in the bed Kakashi shared with his wife. She could've ended it five minutes ago, before Kakashi had bit down on her neck, making her moan and quiver. Before she intertwined her hand with his on her stomach, and before she choked out the words –

"Fuck me."

He relinquished his grip on the velvety soft skin on her throat, eyes heavy with desire as he watched her reflection. The seconds ticked by agonisingly slow when he didn't speak. He just continued to watch her. She knew her face was flush from his earlier assault on her neck. She felt her own desire deepening the longer he stared at her with those grey eyes. Sakura could barely take the silence – she needed him. _Now_.

"Ugh, Kakashi." She spun in his embrace, one hand gripped his jaw and the other buried into his hair. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and their lips so close she could almost taste him. "Seriously, just fuck me."

"Pleas-"

His lips crashed onto hers before she could finish her plea. He kissed roughly, his tongue hot, and demanding, and searing into her very veins. An arm immediately curled around her, pressing the small of her back until there was no space left between them. His chest moved against her bare breasts roughly, the friction making her wet. He grasped her hips, nails digging into her skin, and lifted her onto the vanity, sitting her beside that white, porcelain sink that his wife bought. Sakura giggled involuntarily as her bottom hit the freezing stone, and forced their mouths apart. She saw that familiar, playful smile on Kakashi's lips and melted.

A low growl escaped from the man before impatient lips found hers again. There was nothing delicate about the way Kakashi kissed her, and Sakura revelled in it. He was rough, and attentive and he saw her. With every kiss of his lips across her skin she came undone. He gave her everything she had craved, and everything she had been missing. When she came it was frantic; felt like the world was ending, and just beginning – all at the same time. He fucked her like she knew she deserved to be fucked – and she gave him everything she had in return. When Kakashi finally broke away for air, he stared into her eyes and grinned. "You, "he rasped against her wet lips, voice still ragged, "are beautiful."

His hands slid lazily down her hips and along her thighs, resting at her knees before pushing them apart.

Sakura let out a soft huff of air when she recognised his intentions. He placed a final sloppy kiss to her mouth, before moving down the column of her neck with a heated trail of butterfly-light kisses. His lips ghosted through the valley of her breasts, nipping softly as he travelled, and Sakura could feel her desire growing stronger by the second. It was all she could do to bury her fingers in his thick, silver hair – and before she knew it, there was a barrage of kisses to her inner thigh. She could feel his cheek at her centre as he kissed further and further inside her leg. Each second was an eternity, and she resisted the urge to plead with him to hurry up.

Kakashi sank to his knees, and wrapped his arms behind her, pulling her closer to the edge of the vanity. His nose finally nuzzled against her, and Sakura moaned with delight – causing the man in front of her to chuckle.

"Kaa- I-" but he didn't let her finish, because the next sound out of Sakura was a sharp gasp, as his tongue parted her lips. He gripped one thigh and threw it over his shoulder, allowing himself better access.

"Lean back a bit," he mumbled against her. The heat of his breath, and vibrations of his voice on her most sensitive of areas caused Sakura to sink her nails further into his scalp; she followed his advice. And then she was lost, she tried to slow her breathing, desperate to concentrate on the swirl of his tongue. She felt him slick across her slowly, as if he was savouring her, enjoying her moist heat against his cheeks. Kakashi was always clean-shaven, but tonight his stubble brushed against her silken skin, and _fuck_ – Sakura loved the prickling sensation on her thighs next to the languid softness of his tongue.

Kakashi dragged her closer if that was even possible, and found her clit with his lips – the bottom one trailed across her in entirety, and Sakura couldn't contain the long, drawn out moan that escaped her throat as he worked. She clenched her eyelids tight, and concentrated on the hungry, masterful strokes of his tongue.

Her fingers curled into his scalp, and she bucked against his face, eager for more. Kakashi seemed to recognise her efforts however, and slowed the whirl of his tongue, and let it lap only lightly over her flesh. She growled, hoping he sensed her anger. "Kakashi," she stressed the final syllable, and didn't bother to hide the frustration in her voice. She felt him smirk more than she saw him, and he annoyingly moved his attention back to her thigh. He kissed and nipped at the soft flesh, and Sakura felt his cheekbone pressing firmly against her throbbing clit. It was torture, and she knew he enjoyed doing that to her.

When Sakura's breathing slowed and became less ragged, Kakashi stilled and peered up at her through sparse lashes and grinned, his mouth coated with _her_. _Bastard_ , she swore under her breath. He was too good at this, now she really had to end it; he had too much power. But the thought was lost when his arms locked behind her, and Kakashi pulled her entire body flush to his face, causing her to shriek.

"Fuck-"

In an instant she felt him circling her relentlessly with his tongue; short quick strokes, and long, slow ones. Sakura jerked her hips mindlessly in time with his movements. She didn't even know what she was saying when she felt herself on the edge – but on his knees in front of her, Kakashi told her how beautiful she was. At that point she wouldn't comprehend his words if he told her the earth was flat. Sakura concentrated on the pooling between her legs, and the heat of Kakashi's mouth and tongue on her.

A choked whimper left her mouth, and she cursed him over and over, but Kakashi didn't finish his ministrations. Sakura stopped moving; her toes curled, and fingers tightened in his hair until she was sure she had ripped it from his scalp. And then there was that familiar rush of wetness between her legs; she was screaming something when she saw stars.

ooOOoo

When Sakura regained something of her composure, Kakashi was pressing kisses to her pelvic bone and up past her ribs. In one quick motion he was above her again, his hands palming her hips, and his forehead pressed to hers. He smiled down at her, and Sakura hated him. "Those tiles are hard on the knees."

Her legs felt like jelly, but she managed to wrap them around him nonetheless. "I really appreciate it though," she chuckled, and captured his lips. He pulled her from the countertop and carried her back to the bedroom.

Sakura sighed, her body slowly started to wake up as she detangled herself from him. Again. She was back to square one. She didn't mean to fall asleep, only rest her eyes a few minutes. Now it was after midnight, and she was going to have to think smart about her excuse when she returned home. "Kakashi I have to go," she said simply, scanning the room for her discarded clothes.

The room was lit only by the lamp on the bedside table, but she quickly managed to find most of her belongings. She dressed quickly; underwear, bra, shirt, and finally her jeans. "Is something wrong?" she heard him ask. He had watched her dress without so much as a word, or even a nod to let her know he had heard her speaking. _He's probably figured it out_ , she thought to herself. _This was going to be so awkward._

It would never get easier, but she wanted to have all her belongings together before she spoke to him. It would be easier to make a clean break then. Maybe run towards the door as soon as she told him. _God, she really didn't want to look like an idiot_. And she knew him, he was going to point out how flawed her plan was.

When she turned to him, he pointed behind her, to where one of her boots had been thrown earlier, and Sakura sighed as she dragged it over her jeans. "This was the last time," she said simply.

"The last time?"

"I owe him one last attempt. We have... history."

"You have nothing in common anymore," he answered back without missing a beat. "Wasn't that what you said last week?"

"Kakashi," she sighed, didn't expect him to understand. "I can't just- He wants a future with me." She heard him chuckle, still laying on his back. "Besides, you're hardly in a position to judge me." Sakura didn't try to hide the malice in her voice that time.

"Don't be naïve, Sakura."

She froze at the accusation, and her eyes narrowed in response. "You've planned this like it's one of your surgeries. Like you've just decided that you and Ryuso are happy after all. Like you haven't been texting me, running to me for months. Do you remember that Sakura? Constantly telling me how alone, and unhappy, and unfulfilled you feel when you're with him."

"That isn't-" she tried to argue with him, she did, but he had a habit of making her uncontrollably angry by disagreeing with her. She didn't need to listen to him, nothing was keeping her there. She grabbed her tote bag from the bathroom vanity and set it down by the bed, still looking for her other boot. It felt uncomfortable to walk around his room in silence, his words and tone still hanging in the air. She felt like an idiot when he used her own words to hurt her. She knew what she said; she knew she was a hypocrite.

She'd been having an affair for the past six months. She had told Kakashi countless times that she didn't think she was in love with her husband anymore. She was ending her affair with a man that made her incredibly happy - to fix her relationship with the unloved, irritating, unhelpful, yet smart and loving husband. She knew it sounded laughable, but it had sounded much better in her head, and _dammit she wasn't changing her mind again._ She'd done it too many times lately.

She always knew that having a long term physical and emotional affair was only going to make her life harder. But she'd done it anyway, because he was handsome, and smart, and they both liked dogs- ( _Wow that sounds pathetic, Sakura. And kind of shallow.)_. And now she was paying the price. No. No, she had plenty to satisfy her, family, friends, an amazing job. Maybe she and Ryuso would have a kid, like he'd suggested. They'd be a family, something to bond over and be excited for. She finally found the discarded leather footwear and dragged it over her pant leg.

As she stood up, she noticed the empty space in the open wardrobe. She pulled the door open further, to see it contained nothing more than a couple of creased dress shirts. Instinctively, her eyes flew to the vanity, and noticed all the lotions and glass bottles that usually occupied the space were gone. As if someone had wiped away all trace of the other occupant of his apartment.

"Where's Anko," she asked suddenly. When they were arguing, Kakashi was laying down, one hand draped over his eyes – but now he sat on the edge of the bed, typing something quickly on his phone. Had he felt as awkward as she did? _Oh god,_ he was probably telling all his friends how ridiculous she was, and how he was lucky to be rid of this crazy girl in his apartment.

"Gone," was his reply, he sipped on a glass of water by the bedside.

"Gone where?"

"Just gone."

His reply was stern enough, and loud enough to daze her slightly. But Sakura was as stubborn as he was, and walked slowly towards the edge of the bed, eyes narrowed. Her heart stilled in her chest, and she was sure she felt warm tears sting in the back of her eyes. "Tell me you didn't," she said angrily.

Kakashi clicked his tongue, setting the glass back on the nightstand. "I didn't." He stood up and grabbed his t-shirt, throwing it over his head. Sighing again, his eyes finally met hers across the linen duvet. "I didn't leave her for you, Sakura."

Sakura wasn't sure how to feel then. She felt better sure, she hadn't ruined his marriage. But at the same time, _she had_. If they'd never started this affair, then maybe things would've been different. _Or they'd be exactly the same as they were all those months ago_. Both unhappy, just without the sex. Still, some restless feeling in her stomach made her want to reach out and hold him – tell him she was sorry. She cared about him, he was still her friend, they'd... _spent a lot of time together_. But his furrowed brows and matter-of-fact tone made her think twice.

Kakashi was still staring at her when he picked up her bag and pushed it into her hands. The tears she now knew were real were still building in her eyes. She hated to admit it, but all she wanted was a hug from him. _Everything was a mess, and it was her fault._

"And you shouldn't leave Ryuso for me."

The feeling of panic rose again, and Sakura felt like she needed to retreat. He was making her question all the decisions that she had made over the past few weeks. She could make her marriage work, she knew that – but only if he stopped looking at her with sad eyes, and making logical arguments, _and kissing her, and doing that thing with-_

"You should leave him because you don't love him."

She choked out the air she didn't know she was holding in. She gripped her bag tighter, and left his bedroom feeling like she was about to be sick, heading towards the front door. She heard him call after her.

"You're making a mistake."

"You're wrong," she shouted back.

ooOOoo

Sakura slammed the apartment door behind her, sinking to the cold tiled floor. She heard someone in the kitchen down the short hallway, and it wasn't long before he called out to her.

"Long-shift, honey?"

"Yeah," she called back, wiping away tears as quickly as they formed. "I'm sorry I'm late."

Ryuso said something more, but she didn't try to decipher his words. She grabbed her things, heading up the stairs towards the shower and her own bed. _I love him, I do. I should try harder. He's not... terrible. He loves me. I can make this work._ The words made sense in her own mind, and as she repeated them enough, walking towards her room, it became easier to convince herself that she was making the right decision.

But the anxious feeling in her stomach... she couldn't put a name to it, it was that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach that you can't really ignore. The anxiety when you realise you were the one who was wrong. When _you're_ the one who has made a huge mistake.

* * *

A/N: This is a rewrite of a fanfiction I originally wrote back in 2012-ish on  
Crossposted to AO3

Part II should be up soon :) 


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